Red Dead Reflection

http://www.youtube.com/user/commandergillard?feature=mhee

Hello and welcome to the Vergil reality show, a show...that has saved lives

Funny story of how I got Red dead redemption and Xbox 360 together .You see , upon installing Starcraft 2 , the game saw fit to rather take its own life than try to live up to my eleven years of expectations I had for it so sort of in the same way in which your parents buy you a brand new puppy to help you get over the fact that your last dog was recently turned into an asphalt road pizza, the good people of HMV were gracious enough to let me swop it for several either titles one of which was Rock stars Red dead redemption.

The world of new Austin is really nice and big, so huge I wouldn’t be surprised if its guarded by a green lantern.

While lacking the level of humour found in Rockstars Grand theft auto 4 with no hilarious television or radio, there was still plenty of laughs to be had in this little adventure.

After the introductory cinematic where you sit between a couple of sweet old ladies going on about bringing both civilization and the word of God to those savages and a priest selling the virtues of our lord god to a young lass lady, I freshly stepped off the train and began to try out the controls, whereupon I mistakenly fired my revolver into the air and everyone immediately dropped what they were doing to run off screaming into the sunset.

Another time I heard the screams of a woman who appeared to being assaulted by a man, so I shot him in a valiant effort to rescue her, but this culminated in every one on the street to all fire at me at once. So at a later time i saw what i think was the same woman screaming down the street and this time I hogtied the assailant instead and a after she thanked me, she continued to run down the streets screaming even though she was now safe from present danger.

Now controlling John Marston was less like Clint Eastwood and more like Vash the stampede i.e. looking cool and serious but acting like a complete clown most of the time. Once I got the knack for horse racing I selected from the different breeds of available stallions I christened my new steed “starlight “and we set off across the prairie for adventure.

You can tell how much of a preposterous hypocrite I am when I have no issue shooting a rabbits teeth out from its ass but couldn’t bear to bring my gun barrel on a local dog. I found making money in the early stages quite a chore especially since John’s brief stint in prison cleaned out his wallet along with his colon. I had to put close to the entirety of New Austin’s fauna on the endangered species list to just make enough cash for a big Mac and Coke.

So many times I had starlight galloping so fast that Id completely run past people in need and by the time I managed to 180 my horse and return to the scene of the crime the place now resembled the aftermath from the last scene of Reservoir Dogs. Another time we went too quickly past a woman screaming and by the time we got there, I found a friggin mountain lion licking its chops. I’d heard that nine out of ten times a lion will run away if you charge at him; guess this particular lion didn’t get the memo.

On one evening, starlight and I were racing roadside and starlight got drawn to a fire like a moth to a flame and gate crashed an intimate little get together. In spite of this being all an innocent misunderstanding, before I could explain they started unloading shots at me and one guy even jumped onto my horse starlight. Being the second time that day that someone had tried to kidnap starlight, I figured this was the last straw and blew his brains out (Not on my watch, bub.) This little incident got John thrown into the slammer. Dang!

I eventually decided to stop helping poor unfortunate souls roadside when the final straw happened when I saw a woman beckon to me for help and my good nature led me right into an ambush with my pants down. From then on I opted to view any cry for help as a threat to me and just cap them in the head on site just to be on the safe side. Either that or just whizz right past them to leave them to their fate, but for all I know I could be ignoring Salma Hayek looking for judges for a roadside dick sucking contest.

Upon encountering the devout Christian lady again dehydrated and delirious and giving her medicine I politely requested it would be in her best interest to come back with me into town. When she still wouldn’t listen to reason I decided to leave to see if the vultures could talk some sense into her instead.

While John Marston has no qualms about gratuitous murder, regrettably it seems that infidelity isn’t one of his favourite. Just like the hot lollipop girl of GTA 4, the sultry babe on the manual cover never features in the actual game .It seems like I have been cock teased by Rockstar once again.

My first impression of the theatrical crooked salesman was to mentally classify him in the “Gee, I really hope I get to kill him later” folder. After a couple of close calls where I saved the idiots life and made us some cash doing horse races and making the Stig eat my dust, he got me in touch with some grave robber guy called Seth who looks like hillbilly Gollum with the same romantic devotion to cadavers as Gollum had towards the one Ring to rule them all. It was at this point where it clicked in my mind about the other similar game title I’ve seen in the stores.

Red Dead Redemption Undead nightmare. There are so many subtle hints towards the dead and not to mention the mission “American Appetite” where people keep going missing due to some cannibal in the mountains. The part where the game finally stuck its magical dick in my ear and fucked my mind was when John Marston said he felt like he was living in some kind of Nightmare.

Anyway it was finally time for my band of misfits and me to march on Fort Mercers like helms deep if the orc’s numbered in ranks that you could count on one hand. Although after we successfully slaughtered everything with a pulse we discovered that the target had in fact left the day before. This was weird because I thought perhaps this was the point where the game was winding down albeit being a short game. With this new knowledge we were carrying this party over the border, so I had to wave a Tearful goodbye to starlight and set off for Mexico. Not sure how and if this will lead to the undead nightmare, but would be cool if it all descends into a Michael Jackson style thriller video.

By Vergil Montoya

Arrival

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ilb_LW_4Vw&NR=1

Was that really nessesary?

I like horror films as much as the next psychotic , but even I have to draw the line in the sand when it comes to the sheer level of gross out factors in films rising to the surface of the pond like scum. I never really bought into the hole Eli Roth style “torture porn” genre of horror films such as Saw and Hostel( least of all Hostel because i reside in Europe and hostels are abundant temporary abodes)

Sure I can handle the odd gore on screen better than I can handle my whiskey but its more the thought behind it, like “we don’t know how to scare people that much these days so now well opt to just make the audience puke themselves inside out”. That’s like going to see a play of the Lion King and they announce the part of Mufasa will not be played by the distinguished James Earl Jones and instead be played by an old brown banana wedged inside a used condom.

This approach does by no stretch of the imagination carry the same exhilaration as a genuine frightening moment in any classic horror flick from the days of yore. In the Jesus days, horror films were almost exclusively enjoyed by hot Goth girls and skinny misunderstood Edgar Allen Poe enthusiasts; now they are mainly frequented by what I presume are the types of men who can’t get it up unless they see a recently beheaded blood fountain. While not wanting to sound like those insufferable doomsday predictors from some biased news media outlet but this seems to be on a rocky road towards actual snuff films being broadcast for our amusement in the future.

I suppose props are due for the level of imagination in which some people meet their untimely maker in such films, like throwing a woman in a skip full of used needles and one has the heroin she so desperately craves and another containing the AIDS virus. In the recent Piranha movie some of the scenes are reminiscent of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon of the Simpsons where it becomes more laughable than disturbing and saying that this was the intention all along doesn’t change shit, my friends.

What’s worse is that with every new shock film that comes out, there’s a demand for even MORE over the top scenarios in the sequels or rip offs to come in the future. Human Centipede, please stand up? When I told someone the title, their first reaction was “what, is it like a half human centipede mutant thing or a person who can turn into a giant centipede at will?” here’s me going “oh, it’s much worse than that!” I haven’t seen it and will never, short of someone forcing me clockwork orange style.

Once you know the premise, it’s almost pointless to see the actual film as in its entirety the whole film is based upon one single idea padded out to fit an hour and a half. Plus I feel by paying to see it, I’m encouraging the trend to continue. What’s more when I heard there was a sequel in the works, I wondered just how exactly do you top the original, does the crazy mad scientist add one more addition to the centipede and make it a millipede? In South Africa we called them “shongalono” or something, apologies if I’m getting it wrong. That would be a funny spoof “the Human shongolono” and we can sow Julius Malema in the middle as I’m certain his mouth is used to the taste of shit by now.

Not that I have a hard on for Germany but making the mad scientist german is pretty clichéd in and of itself. I normally don’t like to piss all over a film which I haven’t bothered to see yet, but this time ill walk on the side of caution because what has been seen can never be unseen. Never thought I’d miss the days of Slasher films like scream and I know what you did last summer from the Nineties.

Star Spangled spanner in the works

Captain America will be on the big silver screen soon just in case your one of those cave dwelling Neanderthals who still subsist on raw fish and this bit of news flew right over your overly sized foreheads.

Initially when the buzz of the film was announced showcasing the most shamelessly blatant example of American Jingoism clumsily disguised as a Superhero ever, this revelation was met with snide sneers of dismissal by several people of my acquaintance. Now after a trailer was released, many of these people changed their tune when they saw a slight glimmer of the back-story of the character, from his origins as a scrawny and well meaning Steve Rogers to an In shape and sexually competent Captain America circa the build up to world war 2. It revealed to me that general public's dismissive attitude towards seemingly cheesy comic heroes dissipates once some of the origin story is shown .

I can say without hyperbole that Captain America is actually my favourite superhero ever. The truth of the matter is , in spite of the fact that I've read comics since I was a fetus (especially those of the superhero persuasion) Superheroes themselves are actually really stupid in my estimation. Sure there are a few characters exempt from this statement , say the beloved Batman for example, but the wide miasma of superheroes out there are perhaps the most retarded collection of intellectual property since the history of anything.

Its not the ridiculous costumes nor the contrived means of how they come to be superheroes initially, but the motivations behind why they all decide to become selfless do gooders that makes me want to vomit all over my cat. Whether your in the Marvel Universe with more interchangeable superheroes than there are pixels in a screenshot of Avatar, or the less varied but hugely dull world of DC comics, they all decide that the best use of their powers would be to serve and protect a race of ungrateful wastes of oxygen that is the human race. Sure some of them become the villains but that's usually a result of unrequited love or daddy issues that lead them to the dark side as opposed to a pure lust for power( presumably in an effort to make the villians somewhat tragic and hence make us give a shit about them) The notion that if 25 percent of the earth's population gained superpowers the majority of them would become little sparkling Johnny angels is laughable. In our reality anyone with a hint of power, be it financial or political , is usually something of a cunt bucket in manner, not the second incarnation of the Christ.

Look at the Pantheon of Greek Gods, now there are some super powered immortal bad asses that You can sink your nerd claws into. I take my hat off to whatever toga wearing beardo with sandals came up with these characters. Sure their relationships between them all is like something from the very worst episode of the Jeremy kyle show( IE all of them ) but compared to the high school melodrama that superhero characters endure when their not saving the world from Doctor Dooms Penis cancer ray-gun , their relationships by comparison seem way more believable.

I gather that showcasing superhero romances makes them more well rounded and believable characters but if that's the case, why show the dating and cuddling phases and not the sex phase ( possibly because the nature of superhero sex organs is not something any respectable writer worth his salt wants to touch with a 20 foot poll)

Part of the reason is that unlike ordinary simpletons getting magic powers by being bitten by radioactive lemmings, the Greek Gods are inherently powerful at birth and their attitude to the human race is less that of benevolent protectors but more that of cruel and heartless dictators treating the humans with the same sadistic glee of a kid with a magnifying glass has towards ants. Don't kid around, this is more more in line with what super powered beings would be in the real world. Don't agree me ? isn't that cute, you have an opinion! just a pity that its WRONG!!!

Anyway, the reason why Captain America is my favourite hero is because in spite of the fact he dresses like his stylist used to work at Fox news and his dorky helmet probably makes him want to kick his own ass every time he looks in the mirror, there's something actually truly noble about this character. I'm not talking about his fuck all these foreigners theme but his actions in the comics usually indicate someone very different to what his looks otherwise suggest. The red white and blue costume and even the name captain america are all inventions of the men responsible for his transformation .

Like in Watchmens Dr Manhattan, these are all decisions designed to invoke fear in Americas enemy's. You really get the impression that Steve is just going along with all these propaganda trappings because he's just eager to get out there and do some good, not just for america but for the whole world . In the comics there's been evidence that he cares for the well-being of extra terrestrials once earth was lost and he strikes me as a character who generally wants to help people and its not just in his job description because he looks the part.

His powers are more simple and in line to what a human could actually achieve , being superhuman strength and speed whereas most other characters have exhausted the list of what kind of super power you can have, unless they invent one who has the superpower of biscuits. Depending on how you look at him, Captain America is exactly what Hitler sought to create, a blonde haired blue eyed Super Man only in this story he's a puppet for the perhaps equally evil united states government as opposed to the Third Reich

Compared to Batman who is still the greatest superhero of all time( so long as Robin has been wiped out of existence by sending the T-1000 back in time to murder his parents ahead of time) Captain America himself didn't need a traumatic event to spark off his decision to become a superhero. Not to mention, if most people even phenomenally wealthy people had their parents murdered in front of them as a kid, its very unlikely they would grow up to dress up like a blind flying mammal and go around fighting equally flamboyant baddies.

In summation, I hope the Captain America film does well and isn't another shameless, post 911

"how cool are we" American wank fest . You know, something enjoyed only by the people who thought Japan deserved the recent earthquake (as Gods retribution for pearl harbour , lest we forget that America already got its petty revenge by dropping two atomic bombs killing 90,000–166,000 civilians in Hiroshima and 60,000–80,000 in Nagasaki not to mention those who died later of radiation sickness -apologies for the history lesson) and those that thought GI Joe film should have been more patriotic. Patriotism? more like Hate-tritism ( thanks Chris Rock )

Bitch please!

Stigma Diabolicum by Belphegor

Are You Dead Yet by Children Of Bodom

The One (feat. Danko Jones) by EKTOMORF

Thank the Christ I discovered Onslaugt Radio on my travels in the swampy murky waters of the Internet. For perhaps 8 years Ive been wandering in a musical wasteland, feeding off scraps of pop twoddle for sustenance but never truly felt satisfied. Now I understand Heavy metal doesnt get the same respect due to it as a musical artform but Metal truly has a positive effect on me.It gives me the energy to do the little things, be them want to give that video game another chance thats yet to thrill me or reconsider undertaking familiar relations with human females as a lifestyle option.

A website which wished to remain anonymous has boasted threads and forums about mass effects 2s leading lady Miranda Lawson, the topic being how they believe she looks like someone whos been it in the face with the ugly brick a few times. First off i consider that argument misinformed especially since the nerds in question who wrote such fecal matter presumably havnt seen pussy since their mother initially shat them out into their worthless existance. For them to have the collective arrogance to dismiss a video games characters good looks is rich coming from people who if any real girl looked in their general direction, they would have exploded in their drawers with a cigarette in mouth before you can know what the who-ha! These are the same kind of hopless social rejects that believe a girl is flirting with them if she so much as acts nicely towards them.

Ill take Double D over 3D movies

If I had some spare barrels of gasoline, I'd go pour them out in giant letters in a large meadow and set fire to it so it read" Dear Hollywood. We the people, kindly ask you to stop trying to make us give a crap about movies in 3D!" New exciting movie thing comes out, you take the blue pill, you watch flick in outdated squares-ville 2D format, daddio. You take the red pill, same thing but then the cinema resembles some kind of absurd Steve Urkill cloning fascility and pay extra for the privilege but hey, its 3D and I mean 3D man! My question is thus, does this really improve the overall quality of the film? short answer: No . long answer :No

That when they even give you a choice, I've arrived at cinemas where there's not even a 2D option available As a side note, I had to laugh when working in the film industry and encountered people who didn't know the difference between 2D and 3D,I wonder how they ever managed to acquire enough money to become actual clients with that world class intellect.

Nearly everyone I know would prefer to watch the latest blockbuster flop in normal God given 2d vision, and you know you've fucked up when people start finding the logical downgrade of technology preferable. Most of the time its just a few pounds extra for the nerdy goggles they make you wear and half the time the 3d effects are so negligible your tempted just to yank your own eyeballs out from its sockets to see if your optic nerve is still attached.

Perhaps 3d is still in its infancy, as I know some movies like Transformers 3 really takes 3d by the horns and makes it its little techno bitch like Andy Defrane in Shawshank. But if 3D films are in the process of birth than we the audience need to give it a smack to bring it to life because the quality now is like the mother just followed through in the effort to squeeze it out.

Talking of which, Transformers 3 has been completely and predictably ravaged all over the place since it come out, completely devoured and stripped to its bones in mere seconds like one of those teens in Pirannha 3D and this time everyones having a go at it, from the reviewers to the crazy bag lady discussing her favourite vintages of cat piss. I never thought I'd be grateful for the sub human douche bag demographic who enjoys fast cars and hot chicks who on this occasion I'm siding with in the war between child like wonderment and joyless cynicism . I ask what hope is there for a world thats found mundaneness in make- believe?