Hello and welcome to the Vergil reality show, a show...that has saved lives
Funny story of how I got Red dead redemption and Xbox 360 together .You see , upon installing Starcraft 2 , the game saw fit to rather take its own life than try to live up to my eleven years of expectations I had for it so sort of in the same way in which your parents buy you a brand new puppy to help you get over the fact that your last dog was recently turned into an asphalt road pizza, the good people of HMV were gracious enough to let me swop it for several either titles one of which was Rock stars Red dead redemption.
The world of new Austin is really nice and big, so huge I wouldn’t be surprised if its guarded by a green lantern.
While lacking the level of humour found in Rockstars Grand theft auto 4 with no hilarious television or radio, there was still plenty of laughs to be had in this little adventure.
After the introductory cinematic where you sit between a couple of sweet old ladies going on about bringing both civilization and the word of God to those savages and a priest selling the virtues of our lord god to a young lass lady, I freshly stepped off the train and began to try out the controls, whereupon I mistakenly fired my revolver into the air and everyone immediately dropped what they were doing to run off screaming into the sunset.
Another time I heard the screams of a woman who appeared to being assaulted by a man, so I shot him in a valiant effort to rescue her, but this culminated in every one on the street to all fire at me at once. So at a later time i saw what i think was the same woman screaming down the street and this time I hogtied the assailant instead and a after she thanked me, she continued to run down the streets screaming even though she was now safe from present danger.
Now controlling John Marston was less like Clint Eastwood and more like Vash the stampede i.e. looking cool and serious but acting like a complete clown most of the time. Once I got the knack for horse racing I selected from the different breeds of available stallions I christened my new steed “starlight “and we set off across the prairie for adventure.
You can tell how much of a preposterous hypocrite I am when I have no issue shooting a rabbits teeth out from its ass but couldn’t bear to bring my gun barrel on a local dog. I found making money in the early stages quite a chore especially since John’s brief stint in prison cleaned out his wallet along with his colon. I had to put close to the entirety of New Austin’s fauna on the endangered species list to just make enough cash for a big Mac and Coke.
So many times I had starlight galloping so fast that Id completely run past people in need and by the time I managed to 180 my horse and return to the scene of the crime the place now resembled the aftermath from the last scene of Reservoir Dogs. Another time we went too quickly past a woman screaming and by the time we got there, I found a friggin mountain lion licking its chops. I’d heard that nine out of ten times a lion will run away if you charge at him; guess this particular lion didn’t get the memo.
On one evening, starlight and I were racing roadside and starlight got drawn to a fire like a moth to a flame and gate crashed an intimate little get together. In spite of this being all an innocent misunderstanding, before I could explain they started unloading shots at me and one guy even jumped onto my horse starlight. Being the second time that day that someone had tried to kidnap starlight, I figured this was the last straw and blew his brains out (Not on my watch, bub.) This little incident got John thrown into the slammer. Dang!
I eventually decided to stop helping poor unfortunate souls roadside when the final straw happened when I saw a woman beckon to me for help and my good nature led me right into an ambush with my pants down. From then on I opted to view any cry for help as a threat to me and just cap them in the head on site just to be on the safe side. Either that or just whizz right past them to leave them to their fate, but for all I know I could be ignoring Salma Hayek looking for judges for a roadside dick sucking contest.
Upon encountering the devout Christian lady again dehydrated and delirious and giving her medicine I politely requested it would be in her best interest to come back with me into town. When she still wouldn’t listen to reason I decided to leave to see if the vultures could talk some sense into her instead.
While John Marston has no qualms about gratuitous murder, regrettably it seems that infidelity isn’t one of his favourite. Just like the hot lollipop girl of GTA 4, the sultry babe on the manual cover never features in the actual game .It seems like I have been cock teased by Rockstar once again.
My first impression of the theatrical crooked salesman was to mentally classify him in the “Gee, I really hope I get to kill him later” folder. After a couple of close calls where I saved the idiots life and made us some cash doing horse races and making the Stig eat my dust, he got me in touch with some grave robber guy called Seth who looks like hillbilly Gollum with the same romantic devotion to cadavers as Gollum had towards the one Ring to rule them all. It was at this point where it clicked in my mind about the other similar game title I’ve seen in the stores.
Red Dead Redemption Undead nightmare. There are so many subtle hints towards the dead and not to mention the mission “American Appetite” where people keep going missing due to some cannibal in the mountains. The part where the game finally stuck its magical dick in my ear and fucked my mind was when John Marston said he felt like he was living in some kind of Nightmare.
Anyway it was finally time for my band of misfits and me to march on Fort Mercers like helms deep if the orc’s numbered in ranks that you could count on one hand. Although after we successfully slaughtered everything with a pulse we discovered that the target had in fact left the day before. This was weird because I thought perhaps this was the point where the game was winding down albeit being a short game. With this new knowledge we were carrying this party over the border, so I had to wave a Tearful goodbye to starlight and set off for Mexico. Not sure how and if this will lead to the undead nightmare, but would be cool if it all descends into a Michael Jackson style thriller video.
By Vergil Montoya
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