Was that really nessesary?

I like horror films as much as the next psychotic , but even I have to draw the line in the sand when it comes to the sheer level of gross out factors in films rising to the surface of the pond like scum. I never really bought into the hole Eli Roth style “torture porn” genre of horror films such as Saw and Hostel( least of all Hostel because i reside in Europe and hostels are abundant temporary abodes)

Sure I can handle the odd gore on screen better than I can handle my whiskey but its more the thought behind it, like “we don’t know how to scare people that much these days so now well opt to just make the audience puke themselves inside out”. That’s like going to see a play of the Lion King and they announce the part of Mufasa will not be played by the distinguished James Earl Jones and instead be played by an old brown banana wedged inside a used condom.

This approach does by no stretch of the imagination carry the same exhilaration as a genuine frightening moment in any classic horror flick from the days of yore. In the Jesus days, horror films were almost exclusively enjoyed by hot Goth girls and skinny misunderstood Edgar Allen Poe enthusiasts; now they are mainly frequented by what I presume are the types of men who can’t get it up unless they see a recently beheaded blood fountain. While not wanting to sound like those insufferable doomsday predictors from some biased news media outlet but this seems to be on a rocky road towards actual snuff films being broadcast for our amusement in the future.

I suppose props are due for the level of imagination in which some people meet their untimely maker in such films, like throwing a woman in a skip full of used needles and one has the heroin she so desperately craves and another containing the AIDS virus. In the recent Piranha movie some of the scenes are reminiscent of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon of the Simpsons where it becomes more laughable than disturbing and saying that this was the intention all along doesn’t change shit, my friends.

What’s worse is that with every new shock film that comes out, there’s a demand for even MORE over the top scenarios in the sequels or rip offs to come in the future. Human Centipede, please stand up? When I told someone the title, their first reaction was “what, is it like a half human centipede mutant thing or a person who can turn into a giant centipede at will?” here’s me going “oh, it’s much worse than that!” I haven’t seen it and will never, short of someone forcing me clockwork orange style.

Once you know the premise, it’s almost pointless to see the actual film as in its entirety the whole film is based upon one single idea padded out to fit an hour and a half. Plus I feel by paying to see it, I’m encouraging the trend to continue. What’s more when I heard there was a sequel in the works, I wondered just how exactly do you top the original, does the crazy mad scientist add one more addition to the centipede and make it a millipede? In South Africa we called them “shongalono” or something, apologies if I’m getting it wrong. That would be a funny spoof “the Human shongolono” and we can sow Julius Malema in the middle as I’m certain his mouth is used to the taste of shit by now.

Not that I have a hard on for Germany but making the mad scientist german is pretty clichéd in and of itself. I normally don’t like to piss all over a film which I haven’t bothered to see yet, but this time ill walk on the side of caution because what has been seen can never be unseen. Never thought I’d miss the days of Slasher films like scream and I know what you did last summer from the Nineties.