Red Dead Reflection

http://www.youtube.com/user/commandergillard?feature=mhee

Hello and welcome to the Vergil reality show, a show...that has saved lives

Funny story of how I got Red dead redemption and Xbox 360 together .You see , upon installing Starcraft 2 , the game saw fit to rather take its own life than try to live up to my eleven years of expectations I had for it so sort of in the same way in which your parents buy you a brand new puppy to help you get over the fact that your last dog was recently turned into an asphalt road pizza, the good people of HMV were gracious enough to let me swop it for several either titles one of which was Rock stars Red dead redemption.

The world of new Austin is really nice and big, so huge I wouldn’t be surprised if its guarded by a green lantern.

While lacking the level of humour found in Rockstars Grand theft auto 4 with no hilarious television or radio, there was still plenty of laughs to be had in this little adventure.

After the introductory cinematic where you sit between a couple of sweet old ladies going on about bringing both civilization and the word of God to those savages and a priest selling the virtues of our lord god to a young lass lady, I freshly stepped off the train and began to try out the controls, whereupon I mistakenly fired my revolver into the air and everyone immediately dropped what they were doing to run off screaming into the sunset.

Another time I heard the screams of a woman who appeared to being assaulted by a man, so I shot him in a valiant effort to rescue her, but this culminated in every one on the street to all fire at me at once. So at a later time i saw what i think was the same woman screaming down the street and this time I hogtied the assailant instead and a after she thanked me, she continued to run down the streets screaming even though she was now safe from present danger.

Now controlling John Marston was less like Clint Eastwood and more like Vash the stampede i.e. looking cool and serious but acting like a complete clown most of the time. Once I got the knack for horse racing I selected from the different breeds of available stallions I christened my new steed “starlight “and we set off across the prairie for adventure.

You can tell how much of a preposterous hypocrite I am when I have no issue shooting a rabbits teeth out from its ass but couldn’t bear to bring my gun barrel on a local dog. I found making money in the early stages quite a chore especially since John’s brief stint in prison cleaned out his wallet along with his colon. I had to put close to the entirety of New Austin’s fauna on the endangered species list to just make enough cash for a big Mac and Coke.

So many times I had starlight galloping so fast that Id completely run past people in need and by the time I managed to 180 my horse and return to the scene of the crime the place now resembled the aftermath from the last scene of Reservoir Dogs. Another time we went too quickly past a woman screaming and by the time we got there, I found a friggin mountain lion licking its chops. I’d heard that nine out of ten times a lion will run away if you charge at him; guess this particular lion didn’t get the memo.

On one evening, starlight and I were racing roadside and starlight got drawn to a fire like a moth to a flame and gate crashed an intimate little get together. In spite of this being all an innocent misunderstanding, before I could explain they started unloading shots at me and one guy even jumped onto my horse starlight. Being the second time that day that someone had tried to kidnap starlight, I figured this was the last straw and blew his brains out (Not on my watch, bub.) This little incident got John thrown into the slammer. Dang!

I eventually decided to stop helping poor unfortunate souls roadside when the final straw happened when I saw a woman beckon to me for help and my good nature led me right into an ambush with my pants down. From then on I opted to view any cry for help as a threat to me and just cap them in the head on site just to be on the safe side. Either that or just whizz right past them to leave them to their fate, but for all I know I could be ignoring Salma Hayek looking for judges for a roadside dick sucking contest.

Upon encountering the devout Christian lady again dehydrated and delirious and giving her medicine I politely requested it would be in her best interest to come back with me into town. When she still wouldn’t listen to reason I decided to leave to see if the vultures could talk some sense into her instead.

While John Marston has no qualms about gratuitous murder, regrettably it seems that infidelity isn’t one of his favourite. Just like the hot lollipop girl of GTA 4, the sultry babe on the manual cover never features in the actual game .It seems like I have been cock teased by Rockstar once again.

My first impression of the theatrical crooked salesman was to mentally classify him in the “Gee, I really hope I get to kill him later” folder. After a couple of close calls where I saved the idiots life and made us some cash doing horse races and making the Stig eat my dust, he got me in touch with some grave robber guy called Seth who looks like hillbilly Gollum with the same romantic devotion to cadavers as Gollum had towards the one Ring to rule them all. It was at this point where it clicked in my mind about the other similar game title I’ve seen in the stores.

Red Dead Redemption Undead nightmare. There are so many subtle hints towards the dead and not to mention the mission “American Appetite” where people keep going missing due to some cannibal in the mountains. The part where the game finally stuck its magical dick in my ear and fucked my mind was when John Marston said he felt like he was living in some kind of Nightmare.

Anyway it was finally time for my band of misfits and me to march on Fort Mercers like helms deep if the orc’s numbered in ranks that you could count on one hand. Although after we successfully slaughtered everything with a pulse we discovered that the target had in fact left the day before. This was weird because I thought perhaps this was the point where the game was winding down albeit being a short game. With this new knowledge we were carrying this party over the border, so I had to wave a Tearful goodbye to starlight and set off for Mexico. Not sure how and if this will lead to the undead nightmare, but would be cool if it all descends into a Michael Jackson style thriller video.

By Vergil Montoya

Arrival

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ilb_LW_4Vw&NR=1

Was that really nessesary?

I like horror films as much as the next psychotic , but even I have to draw the line in the sand when it comes to the sheer level of gross out factors in films rising to the surface of the pond like scum. I never really bought into the hole Eli Roth style “torture porn” genre of horror films such as Saw and Hostel( least of all Hostel because i reside in Europe and hostels are abundant temporary abodes)

Sure I can handle the odd gore on screen better than I can handle my whiskey but its more the thought behind it, like “we don’t know how to scare people that much these days so now well opt to just make the audience puke themselves inside out”. That’s like going to see a play of the Lion King and they announce the part of Mufasa will not be played by the distinguished James Earl Jones and instead be played by an old brown banana wedged inside a used condom.

This approach does by no stretch of the imagination carry the same exhilaration as a genuine frightening moment in any classic horror flick from the days of yore. In the Jesus days, horror films were almost exclusively enjoyed by hot Goth girls and skinny misunderstood Edgar Allen Poe enthusiasts; now they are mainly frequented by what I presume are the types of men who can’t get it up unless they see a recently beheaded blood fountain. While not wanting to sound like those insufferable doomsday predictors from some biased news media outlet but this seems to be on a rocky road towards actual snuff films being broadcast for our amusement in the future.

I suppose props are due for the level of imagination in which some people meet their untimely maker in such films, like throwing a woman in a skip full of used needles and one has the heroin she so desperately craves and another containing the AIDS virus. In the recent Piranha movie some of the scenes are reminiscent of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon of the Simpsons where it becomes more laughable than disturbing and saying that this was the intention all along doesn’t change shit, my friends.

What’s worse is that with every new shock film that comes out, there’s a demand for even MORE over the top scenarios in the sequels or rip offs to come in the future. Human Centipede, please stand up? When I told someone the title, their first reaction was “what, is it like a half human centipede mutant thing or a person who can turn into a giant centipede at will?” here’s me going “oh, it’s much worse than that!” I haven’t seen it and will never, short of someone forcing me clockwork orange style.

Once you know the premise, it’s almost pointless to see the actual film as in its entirety the whole film is based upon one single idea padded out to fit an hour and a half. Plus I feel by paying to see it, I’m encouraging the trend to continue. What’s more when I heard there was a sequel in the works, I wondered just how exactly do you top the original, does the crazy mad scientist add one more addition to the centipede and make it a millipede? In South Africa we called them “shongalono” or something, apologies if I’m getting it wrong. That would be a funny spoof “the Human shongolono” and we can sow Julius Malema in the middle as I’m certain his mouth is used to the taste of shit by now.

Not that I have a hard on for Germany but making the mad scientist german is pretty clichéd in and of itself. I normally don’t like to piss all over a film which I haven’t bothered to see yet, but this time ill walk on the side of caution because what has been seen can never be unseen. Never thought I’d miss the days of Slasher films like scream and I know what you did last summer from the Nineties.

Star Spangled spanner in the works

Captain America will be on the big silver screen soon just in case your one of those cave dwelling Neanderthals who still subsist on raw fish and this bit of news flew right over your overly sized foreheads.

Initially when the buzz of the film was announced showcasing the most shamelessly blatant example of American Jingoism clumsily disguised as a Superhero ever, this revelation was met with snide sneers of dismissal by several people of my acquaintance. Now after a trailer was released, many of these people changed their tune when they saw a slight glimmer of the back-story of the character, from his origins as a scrawny and well meaning Steve Rogers to an In shape and sexually competent Captain America circa the build up to world war 2. It revealed to me that general public's dismissive attitude towards seemingly cheesy comic heroes dissipates once some of the origin story is shown .

I can say without hyperbole that Captain America is actually my favourite superhero ever. The truth of the matter is , in spite of the fact that I've read comics since I was a fetus (especially those of the superhero persuasion) Superheroes themselves are actually really stupid in my estimation. Sure there are a few characters exempt from this statement , say the beloved Batman for example, but the wide miasma of superheroes out there are perhaps the most retarded collection of intellectual property since the history of anything.

Its not the ridiculous costumes nor the contrived means of how they come to be superheroes initially, but the motivations behind why they all decide to become selfless do gooders that makes me want to vomit all over my cat. Whether your in the Marvel Universe with more interchangeable superheroes than there are pixels in a screenshot of Avatar, or the less varied but hugely dull world of DC comics, they all decide that the best use of their powers would be to serve and protect a race of ungrateful wastes of oxygen that is the human race. Sure some of them become the villains but that's usually a result of unrequited love or daddy issues that lead them to the dark side as opposed to a pure lust for power( presumably in an effort to make the villians somewhat tragic and hence make us give a shit about them) The notion that if 25 percent of the earth's population gained superpowers the majority of them would become little sparkling Johnny angels is laughable. In our reality anyone with a hint of power, be it financial or political , is usually something of a cunt bucket in manner, not the second incarnation of the Christ.

Look at the Pantheon of Greek Gods, now there are some super powered immortal bad asses that You can sink your nerd claws into. I take my hat off to whatever toga wearing beardo with sandals came up with these characters. Sure their relationships between them all is like something from the very worst episode of the Jeremy kyle show( IE all of them ) but compared to the high school melodrama that superhero characters endure when their not saving the world from Doctor Dooms Penis cancer ray-gun , their relationships by comparison seem way more believable.

I gather that showcasing superhero romances makes them more well rounded and believable characters but if that's the case, why show the dating and cuddling phases and not the sex phase ( possibly because the nature of superhero sex organs is not something any respectable writer worth his salt wants to touch with a 20 foot poll)

Part of the reason is that unlike ordinary simpletons getting magic powers by being bitten by radioactive lemmings, the Greek Gods are inherently powerful at birth and their attitude to the human race is less that of benevolent protectors but more that of cruel and heartless dictators treating the humans with the same sadistic glee of a kid with a magnifying glass has towards ants. Don't kid around, this is more more in line with what super powered beings would be in the real world. Don't agree me ? isn't that cute, you have an opinion! just a pity that its WRONG!!!

Anyway, the reason why Captain America is my favourite hero is because in spite of the fact he dresses like his stylist used to work at Fox news and his dorky helmet probably makes him want to kick his own ass every time he looks in the mirror, there's something actually truly noble about this character. I'm not talking about his fuck all these foreigners theme but his actions in the comics usually indicate someone very different to what his looks otherwise suggest. The red white and blue costume and even the name captain america are all inventions of the men responsible for his transformation .

Like in Watchmens Dr Manhattan, these are all decisions designed to invoke fear in Americas enemy's. You really get the impression that Steve is just going along with all these propaganda trappings because he's just eager to get out there and do some good, not just for america but for the whole world . In the comics there's been evidence that he cares for the well-being of extra terrestrials once earth was lost and he strikes me as a character who generally wants to help people and its not just in his job description because he looks the part.

His powers are more simple and in line to what a human could actually achieve , being superhuman strength and speed whereas most other characters have exhausted the list of what kind of super power you can have, unless they invent one who has the superpower of biscuits. Depending on how you look at him, Captain America is exactly what Hitler sought to create, a blonde haired blue eyed Super Man only in this story he's a puppet for the perhaps equally evil united states government as opposed to the Third Reich

Compared to Batman who is still the greatest superhero of all time( so long as Robin has been wiped out of existence by sending the T-1000 back in time to murder his parents ahead of time) Captain America himself didn't need a traumatic event to spark off his decision to become a superhero. Not to mention, if most people even phenomenally wealthy people had their parents murdered in front of them as a kid, its very unlikely they would grow up to dress up like a blind flying mammal and go around fighting equally flamboyant baddies.

In summation, I hope the Captain America film does well and isn't another shameless, post 911

"how cool are we" American wank fest . You know, something enjoyed only by the people who thought Japan deserved the recent earthquake (as Gods retribution for pearl harbour , lest we forget that America already got its petty revenge by dropping two atomic bombs killing 90,000–166,000 civilians in Hiroshima and 60,000–80,000 in Nagasaki not to mention those who died later of radiation sickness -apologies for the history lesson) and those that thought GI Joe film should have been more patriotic. Patriotism? more like Hate-tritism ( thanks Chris Rock )

Bitch please!

Stigma Diabolicum by Belphegor

Are You Dead Yet by Children Of Bodom

The One (feat. Danko Jones) by EKTOMORF

Thank the Christ I discovered Onslaugt Radio on my travels in the swampy murky waters of the Internet. For perhaps 8 years Ive been wandering in a musical wasteland, feeding off scraps of pop twoddle for sustenance but never truly felt satisfied. Now I understand Heavy metal doesnt get the same respect due to it as a musical artform but Metal truly has a positive effect on me.It gives me the energy to do the little things, be them want to give that video game another chance thats yet to thrill me or reconsider undertaking familiar relations with human females as a lifestyle option.

A website which wished to remain anonymous has boasted threads and forums about mass effects 2s leading lady Miranda Lawson, the topic being how they believe she looks like someone whos been it in the face with the ugly brick a few times. First off i consider that argument misinformed especially since the nerds in question who wrote such fecal matter presumably havnt seen pussy since their mother initially shat them out into their worthless existance. For them to have the collective arrogance to dismiss a video games characters good looks is rich coming from people who if any real girl looked in their general direction, they would have exploded in their drawers with a cigarette in mouth before you can know what the who-ha! These are the same kind of hopless social rejects that believe a girl is flirting with them if she so much as acts nicely towards them.

Ill take Double D over 3D movies

If I had some spare barrels of gasoline, I'd go pour them out in giant letters in a large meadow and set fire to it so it read" Dear Hollywood. We the people, kindly ask you to stop trying to make us give a crap about movies in 3D!" New exciting movie thing comes out, you take the blue pill, you watch flick in outdated squares-ville 2D format, daddio. You take the red pill, same thing but then the cinema resembles some kind of absurd Steve Urkill cloning fascility and pay extra for the privilege but hey, its 3D and I mean 3D man! My question is thus, does this really improve the overall quality of the film? short answer: No . long answer :No

That when they even give you a choice, I've arrived at cinemas where there's not even a 2D option available As a side note, I had to laugh when working in the film industry and encountered people who didn't know the difference between 2D and 3D,I wonder how they ever managed to acquire enough money to become actual clients with that world class intellect.

Nearly everyone I know would prefer to watch the latest blockbuster flop in normal God given 2d vision, and you know you've fucked up when people start finding the logical downgrade of technology preferable. Most of the time its just a few pounds extra for the nerdy goggles they make you wear and half the time the 3d effects are so negligible your tempted just to yank your own eyeballs out from its sockets to see if your optic nerve is still attached.

Perhaps 3d is still in its infancy, as I know some movies like Transformers 3 really takes 3d by the horns and makes it its little techno bitch like Andy Defrane in Shawshank. But if 3D films are in the process of birth than we the audience need to give it a smack to bring it to life because the quality now is like the mother just followed through in the effort to squeeze it out.

Talking of which, Transformers 3 has been completely and predictably ravaged all over the place since it come out, completely devoured and stripped to its bones in mere seconds like one of those teens in Pirannha 3D and this time everyones having a go at it, from the reviewers to the crazy bag lady discussing her favourite vintages of cat piss. I never thought I'd be grateful for the sub human douche bag demographic who enjoys fast cars and hot chicks who on this occasion I'm siding with in the war between child like wonderment and joyless cynicism . I ask what hope is there for a world thats found mundaneness in make- believe?

So luckily HMV were cool enough to let me swop Starcraft 2 for something that wouldn't involve a journey to Mt Doom and back only to have the privilege of watching the intro cinematic and then the game committing hara kiri. I stood there for near to half an hour deciding what I wanted instead, as SC2 was an expensive game which meant I could either get my hands on a new Top title or perhaps several old titles that flew under my Sex-ray vision last year.

In the end I opted for 3 little gems . Firstly Red dead redemption: I'm not sold on any game set in the wild west, I'm a strict science fiction buff and I place the wild west in the same box as Tolkien-esque fantasy settings in which I don't give a crud about. However, I've always loved Rock stars other magnum opuses like GTA and L.A noire is still quite pricey . Also its possible that this will be a game of the likes of which I've never played before so it at least will be novel, and Rock-star has always been a paragon for quality.

Secondly I went for Dante s Inferno. This game is the closest you'll get to God of War on the Xbox 360 , and its basically just the same scenario but with Biblical mythology in the place of Greek mythology.

Thirdly we have Halo wars. Wanting to get my fix of real time strategy which star-craft would have provided if it hadn't been such a whiny little primadonna , Halo wars will have to try to scratch that little itch. I've never gotten into the Halo franchise and also controlling a RTS on a game controller as opposed to a mouse and keyboard interface sounds like a recipe for a star spangled cluster-fuck. Then I remind myself that first person shooters were bit tricky with the analogue stick initially but now I can head shot enemy bots in my sleep.

So we have open world sandbox game, a hack n slash button basher and then a Real time strategy game. Having four different personalities means i need on hand several different genres of games for whenever one of the personalities decides to shift. Bullet storms got the first person shooter covered, but the fun has dried up in the game and there's motivation to continue now.

Trust me , its not fun that makes me finish games. if I want to have fun, ill go out drinking and get lucky. I finish games if they motivate me, ie mass effect 2 had me wanting to romance the lovely lady and then ensure all my team-mates survived the upcoming suicide mission, then romance the lovely lady some more with some proficient german sex.

Reboot or Reset button ?

X-men First class has been out for some time now and the general consensus is that its quite good all around with both critics and the average film going dullard. I havnt seen it as of yet but make no mistake that can easily be remedied in due time.

From what ive gleamed of it so far, Its managed to not only be a superhero film thats entertained but also been effective in using the magic of time paradox to completely erase the 3rd x-men movie and the wolverine film ( which i actually enjoyed a hell of a lot more than the first x-men movie, a disappointment so colossal it symbolically threw my inner child into the Thames river with concrete galoshes, thanks Mr Bryan Singer you can kindly go screw yourself)

By this I mean, certain events of the movie indicate that what happened in these 2 movies never actually took place ie the start of x-men 3 were we see Xavier and magneto still quite good friends and recruiting the Psychotic Jean grey whose powers later manifest as some kind of universe altering PMS ( as we all know, a woman can never be mad unless shes on her period, its science)

So the films a prequel with some elements of a reboot in it, and having exhausted the supply of superhero franshises that the general public are familiar with, rather than dig deeper and start turning c-list superhero stories into their own films, hollywood has turned to rather reboot franshises that have already come out, the example being the upcoming Amazing spiderman with the social networks Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker.

In hindsight the spiderman films were actually pretty lousy when you think about them objectively so perhaps a reboot is just what the doctor ordered. Honestly I like this approach to film making, I think making translations of beloved characters is a serious hit and miss undertaking so if the first time you dont succeed, dont stress there will be another chance to start afresh. Unlike the old days were remakes took a good few years or even decades to filter thru the collective memorie before producers took a another stab at it, now the a reboot/remake can come out in the same decade!

Think of the Hulk versus the incredible Hulk, both movies I liked and both had elements that worked well in their own way. the first , while the special effects were phenomenally goofy

( hulk resembles some kind of survived abortion of a government sponsored scientific experiment to splice the genes of Shrek into a green gum-ball with play doe) but the whole story played out like some kind of contemporary Greek tragedy.The father being the main enemy desiring his sons power like some kind of freudian wet dream and also worked as a great analogy of child abuse and repressed memories that manifest later in life as a being of unstoppable emotional rage.

The second hulk boasts a bruce banner much more akin to the comic book version, with edward norton as the scrawny scientist and the Hulk , while smaller, looks much more realistically textured and his physique does indicate the potential for immense power. Also this time around we get to see the level of dexterity and strength the hulk possesses in his epic battle with Abomination. This one felt much more like a comic book movie and felt more centred than the last one which was all over the place ( Compare the fight scene with abomination to the battle royale with the ill tempered mutated french poodle of the last film)

A decent fight scene is needed to display the virtues of the character, especially one whose claim to fame is super strength. That why the wowless Superman returns fell on its underpants-on-the-outside arse because Superman never has a moment where he has to square off against a being of equal if not superior strength. Zack Snyder has been called in to clean up the whoopsies of Bryan Singers Super-flop, but if Sucker Punch has taught me anything , its never too late for a director to stop being good, but that is a tale for another time.

Reboots allow a magical get out of jail free card to studios and im all for them. Ive never been against remakes and anyone who disagrees, ill direct them to Batman and Robin and then remind them of Batman Begins. However , it should be kept in mind that its possible with this approach for film makers to perhaps become a little careless.

I mean , its like in the old days, when something interfered with a shot in a film , say a boom got in the way or the weather wasn't up to scratch, theyd have to reshoot or reschedule at some cost. Nowadays with the advent of modern editing and digital composition techniques , its possable for directors to not need to reshoot at all and just merely say " nah no biggie, we can fix it in post!" I know this tears sfx peoples hair out because it presents later complications which while they can be fixed but would have not been nessesary if the director or producer wasnt so keen to knock off at four pm.

In the initial period when comic movies were being translated to film, often they were in development hell for years , trying to find the best approach to the final product, and only 50 % of the time was the end result satisfactory. But now studios will lunge into developing these films with little thought with the knowledge that they can have another crack at it later. If this keeps up and the quality overall of these films diminishes, perhaps the call for remakes will fizzle out entirely because people have grown tired of seeing the same old format being recycled. Im not too concerned about this , since the general public seems to eat up the same "britains got talent " year in and year out!

Starcraft 2. Cool...can I play it now?

One of the advantages console games have over pc games is that theres the instant gratification aspect that we sexy humans love, where u plug the disc in and bing badda boom, the game starts. sure with the exception of some monumentally large games may require an update or to be installed in the ps3 hardrive but Starcraft 2 seems determined not to let me actually play the game part of the fucking game ( to quote zero punctuation, what? u think I make this shit up myself?)

To paint a picture in your mind, us fans have waited since 1997 to play this next installment, and upon finally purchasing a copy , the logical step after aquiring a laptop that could do sumthing more strenuous than internet porn, I installed the game patiently then upon clicking start the game started patching itself in an endless loop into eternity ( i believe patches fix the bugs that flew under the radar the game testers didnt pick up the first time around, presumably because they were too busy being so pleased with themselves for having such a dream job!)

I wondered if perhaps my virus protection was blocking it, turned that off. still looping ...

ran it as administrator as well as in safe mode. still looping da fucking loop. Googled it and was relieved to see its a very common scenario as lots of other gamers have hysterically typed up angry letters online to ask why blizzard wont let them play their anticipated game as the patch is blocking the entrance like an obnoxious bouncer at a pretensious night club who allows fifteen year old girls in but not full grown nerds with disposable income.

some people recommended reinstalling, but one said that its actually downloading multiple patches and will take a while. I hope this is the case, as even while i type this the game is patching . If it doesnt work after an hour i will be out of ideas but booking my bus ticket to go to Blizzards headquarters and pissing into the letter tray!

Lets say that perhaps after some time the patch does finish and let you play. fair enough, but frankly after such an irritating first impression, its not off to a great start is it? i mean, im sure for many gamers, this has probably coloured the impression of the game before the horse has even been let out the gates. its more like a case where the race starts, all the other horses have bolted off and the race horse "starcraft 2 " door has been sealed shut with adamentium and then the horse has been shot in the head while we were still trying to pry the doors open.

Update- Low and behold, patch in safe mode then restart- works like a charm.. altho for reasons that shall not be disclosed the game is going back to HMV to be replaced by an xbox game instead. Blizzard can i have the last 3 hours back?no ? ok, no no its ok, i mean, its just that most of us mere mortals use games to amuse ourselves in our spare time, not to fuck around like its a second job we have to pay for! anyway , theres plenty of other hot titles on xbox to sink my teeth into , portal 2, la niore. least with them i can be playing within 20 minutes of purchasing the game.

Starcraft 2 tagline bodes well- " war is coming, in all its glory, and all its horrors" emphasis on the last part i guess. thank christ i kept the reciept

Transformers 3 - my thoughts?

Well well well, I stand here humbled after coming back from seeing this film, Ill cut the forplay and just come out and say this has earned the accolade of my " FILM OF THE YEAR " imaginary award! Im serious, this is the most fun ive had watching a movie this year so far and I hope to does well commercially .

Its refreshing to finally and truly enjoy a film without needing to make excuses for it or to have to qualify any statements ( thor comes to mind). And to see all the bad reviews its getting leaves me with a quiet loathing of those tiresome and jaded film critics who will never be satisfied but frankly I think its truly their loss if they didnt like it, and if their feelings dont coincide with mine then they can all get fucked with giant robot penises!

thats right, every last one of you self appointed guardians of supposed quality whose ignorant predictable opinions no one asks for (kinda like mine!) I resent the fact that these hardened mouth pieces for hate never budge or allow themselves to be made vulnerable again to being made wrong ( like a heartbroken man who wont let anyone else in, hes learnt the hard way and will be damned if he lets his heart be re-broken. The truth is , hell be damned if he doesnt!)

I was surprised by this film, because i didnt expect to be so taken in by it. The first half hour didnt sell me, and at the point where crazy chinese fellow was pulling his pants down, it didnt look good for the movie and was already turning my attention off. I suppose the turning point was when Sentinal Prime reveals his betrayal and kills Ironhide, i knew this movie was not gna fuck around from then on. To see Optimus relfection in his error as leader, to culminate in him ruthlessly and mercilessly killing the two villains at the end was a great character arc. Sentinal makes a great villian because hes not portrayed as the evillest bastard who ever lived but as someone who has perhaps lost his way. And no , immortal geeks of sci fi, Spock did not make an error in playing this character, shut up and go crawl back up your mothers vagina and unborn yourselves!

theres the trademark frenetic action sequences but they carry serious emotional weight this time around. The decepticons have truly gained the upper hand in this fight and its nice to see the human characters actually make themselves effective against the decepticons whereas in the first two they seemed as effective as an old mans fruit and veg.

Despite my long winded love letter to megan fox in a previous blog, the new female lead( apologies but i cant be asked to look up her name) is a very likable addition to the story and unlike megan fox she actually makes herself useful by coaxing a disheartened megatron to man up, and take his place as leader against sentinel. Ill admit its a bit of a stretch that megatron wouldnt have torn her limb from limb by that accusation, but i make allowances where they are due, unlike all those other souless joyless pratts who cry foul whenever something doesnt quite link up in their mushy peas brain. Im not entirely sure why she always has to follow the soldiers around in the action, i mean im sure they apreciate a nice arse bouncing around when they work , but I was attached to her as a character and it would have been the sensible thing to tell her to go hide inside a skip and let all the manly men do the heavy lifting. Sam witwickys befuddled clumsiness seems to be some kind of clunge seeking missile if he can hop from one Goddess of a woman to a perhaps even more of a goddess.

Sams inability to get a job, his feelings of adequacy against his girlfriends boss made amplified by the fact shes perhaps way out of his league already, and to want to be more useful in the battle work well, especially since in spite of the fact hes helped save the world twice, this time around hes told hes not really needed any more.

A thing I enjoyed the most was how there were humans who were actively working in league with the decepticons, something which i can truly believe. If we were confronted by these giant robots , im sure wed all bow and scrape before them out of awe as well as from shitting our pants! Patrick dempseys turn around from being a love rival to none other than the Decepticons puppet really was a nice touch, because isnt the nature of the decepticons to work in the shadows and pull the strings from behind the curtain, not just to come onto the scene blowing shit up with wild abandon. the fight scene at the end between him and sam gave sam an opponent he actually had a fighting chance against, as any human going toe to toe with a decepticon unarmed is gna end up with a gelatinous blob of giblets where their head used to be.

There are some scenes which drag along ,like the scene where they keep sliding down the building to fall in the building to slide further inside, but those are minor infringements when placed against pirates of the carribean dicking around.

In the end I can see why some people might not gravitate kindly towards this movie, but for my part I really enjoyed it and will endorse it. Normally summer popcorn movies dont strike a chord with me( not to say into those insufferable cinema nevo ( spellcheck please) type efforts) but Micheal Bay all is forgiven for whatever transgressions in the second one!

Transformers Dark of the moon will be out soon, tho the tagline dark of the moon has got to be the clumsiest in fictional histroy, i keep wanting to say dark side of the moon,apologies to pink floyd so i hope its not just some cool ominous sounding one and actually congruent to the story. Judging by the trailer it certainly is, theres some other collosal transformer thats been kipping there for sumtime, il wager hes an ancient one or sumthing that holds the key to something or other

Megan fox was nowhere to be seen on the poster , ive heard she was dropped. Ill bet good money its because i still remember micheal bay fuming when megan fox announced that Transformers 2 was “just” special effects and obviously micheal bay is such a delicate flower that he made sure she never darken his door again. Irrespective of her calibre as an actress that most elitist dime store critics dismiss , I think she was merely the only one to actually call it while everyone else attached to the project was sucking it off inside out. Give her credit for her frank honesty, i imagine its written into most actors contracts that they have to do their best to sell the movie at every given opportunity, like when those insufferable entertainment journalists ambush them on the red carpet shoving a microphone in their face, asking them the safest questions like “what can we expect from (insert film title here) “ and so on and so forth. If I had a quid for every time ive heard an actor say “ its got everything, action, drama, suspense romance etc ( if that statements true, wheres the kitty porn and cockroaches playing pacman , i mean you said its got EVERYTHING, false advertising tut tut)

personally,as refreshing as it is to see a new female lead, i actually associate transformers films more with megan fox than the films lead shia labouf or however the fuck you spell his stupid name ( thats one name that should have adopted a pseudonym once the acting career took off, goodbye Jennifer Anistonopolous, hello Jennifer anistoN) Many guys dislike this actor, especially since hes somehow supposed to resemble the EVERYMAN (a fact out- of- touch- with- todays -youth Hollywood film producers need to seriously rethink before we all come to their high priced mansions wielding pitchforks and torches ) Id have preferred to see them drop shia belouf and have him be replaced by the female lead thats replacing megan fox, think it would be more interesting to see the dynamic of two very different girls going against each other than the romance of shia and megan which is less believable that the idea of alien robots turning into conveniently marketable automobiles . And no, im not suggesting any sexual tension in my imaginary film scenario between the two female leads, which is of course so predictable in us typical males who cant multitask and drive as good as our double x chromosome counterparts. Chances are, transformers 3 will end just like transformers 2, where by the climax fuck all has changed except for the fact that the film has gotten a lot less sexy after the absence of Megan fox

Let me first clarify that i did find Transformers 2 very entertaining, which at the end of the day is kinda why these kind of films exist at all in the first place. To clarify this statement further becaus e im about to lunge with a scythe and some powerade into its gargantuan flaws. it s entertaining in both a normal sense of how you watch a film and also in the spectacle of its mistakes , the same kind of thrill you get by watching a young child botch up their piano recital and reveling in the uncomfortable squirms of the people in the audience.However ,Not because im so married to the transformers mythos or anything but i did share many of the same obvious gripes about it that most people did. To say its just “special effects “ might sound like an insult, but can micheal bay credibly argue that she couldn’t see the timeless endearing thru the ages heroes journey of loss and redemption or something academy award sounding past all the astonishing , if a little exhausting , special effects? Fuck no, because there isn’t one! She didn’t misunderstand his vision, The plot there was merely a string of events for the vivid special effects to dangle from like lady gagas laundry line.

As ive already said , micheal bay is a spectacular commercials director and he mostly applies the same sensabilites to his movies ie the scenes of cars and megan foxs gynaecology exam as she spray paints the motorcycle, is taken exactly from a commercials pack shot, which makes micheal bay a fitting director as the movie itself is based on a cartoon which was essentially a commercial for toys.As a child the only transformer I had was a megatron figure that turned into a tank, i recall it was for my birthday which i peeled the wrapper off when it was hidden in my moms cupboard and feebly tried to conceal my peek with prittstick

One of my pet hates is the notion that spectacular special effects cant beat a good storyline well told( i wont name names, but if ur in my family u know who u are). That statement , while true, I think is more a shield for those who are so married to reality that any kind of flight of fancy makes them dive under the duvet with a flashlight like that weird kid from six sense. People don’t realise it because they are so commonplace these days, but making effects driven movies like Transformers 2 is really damn difficult and micheal bay is not a hack but a seriously talented director of commercials. When Trey Parker and Matt stone undertook Team America, they came to the realisation that even an action movie with marionettes was a technically challenging affair, and in this scenario , it was the mediocrity of the effects that added to the humour.

Transformers 2 lacked some serious subtlety, i know its expected of sequels to up the game a lot, but in this movie, its not just the SFX that have been injected with horse steroids. I read somewhere that the humour was to be moderated in Transformers 2, whereas the end result turned out to have near every single character being a closet vaudeville comedian just waiting to burst out, from the university teacher, the latin American roommate, the parents , sam himself, john turturo to spongbob squarepants playing a Mafioso remote controlled toycar, old annoying war veteran type figure Jetfire and lastly and most of all ,the universally despised Mudwheel and skids autobots.

These two acting as the comic relief figures begs the question of why do we need comic relief when everything else in the film is densely saturated in tortured giggles? Comic relief figures generally work better in films where the entire narrative is so dark and grim that perhaps it would be a nice touch to add a little humour to make the film slightly more bearable,not in a film which jumps schizophrenically around between hilarious comical hijinxs to even more laughable robo wars drama. In the end The humour in the film feels overdone, not to say there aren’t any generally funny moments, theres some great dialogue as usual, and i suppose it is preferable for a film to try too hard to be funny than to have every character sound like Gordon brown going on about facts.

All this devotion to trying to squeeze laughs out of the audience at every opportunity gives me the distinct impression that this movie is being made to pander to people who don’t see many movies that often. You know the type, youve settled into your nice comfy seat ,coke in hand and scarfing popcorn in the other, then you hear the cackling of a menopausal mid fifties women come storming in the theatre blurting out “ooh this is so exciting, we should come to the movies more often” to sit conveniently right in front of you, laughing hysterically like lobotomized hyenas at the all the comedy gold moments of the upcoming romantic comedy trailer and once the film starts they never cease to whisper comments to their mates concerning this and that, not realising that their cretinous views are audible to everyone around them , especially by me. And to put the rotten worm infested cherry on top of the cyanide laden cake, they usually all have ridiculous hairdos resembling a rats maze designed by Jackson pollock, obscuring most of the screen like a solar eclipse! Not having respect for the unspoken protocol of film watching makes me think if i had it my way, kids would get their own special allocated movie times( probably set in the garbage laden alleyway behind the theatre,with the film itself being projected onto a mad hobos bare white bottocks, which will provide a whole new dimension for the 3D gimmick ) this will allow adults not to get distracted by the kids in the cinema who cant sit still and shut the fuck up and in regards to old bags with absurd hairdos,if they don’t pass the pencil test, theyll get shaven right there in the lobby like its aushwitz.

Its a staple of the film critic to look way too much into things that most cool people could barely give less of a shit about and even more common for them to want to exploit all the plotholes in a film in an effort to seem observant and slightly interesting . ( by the way, saying that avatar was basically a hybrid of pocohantas and the smurfs does NOT make you observant , although saying it was an overhyped and overpraised ,money siphoning black hole when there are so many other already established and more deserving sci fi stories that deserve the same financial backing not only makes you observant but possibly one of the only sentient human beings on the planet that can see the forest for the trees) It wouldn’t be fair to point out all the holes in transformers 2, because there are so many holes in that script that by the time your done all the holes would have congealed into one mega –singularity of a hole with the potential to affect the orbit of celestial bodies in outer space!

Going back to the god awful Twins of the film, my first question is how exactly are they twins at all? its not ever explained how robot reproduction actually works(thankfully too, giant wrecking ball testicles is enough, i don’t want to have to sit thru micheal bay showing us the beauty of child birth by Mother Prime squeazing one out like a horse shitting a wheelbarrow, i hope micheal bay isn’t reading this becase im sure hes contemplating what line of taste he wants to cross next) . Theres a brief scene where we see hatchlings growing but they need energon or else they will keep dying , but how do they manifest in the first place? Do they get planted in the ground as seeds and watered everyday,perhaps they grow better when u talk to them, like those demented fools who think talking to their plants will help them grow into big strong saplings. Going with that analogy , maybe the transformers are like apples, where they have seeds of another transformer inside them, so when the transformer dies, another one can grow once theyve buried the stupid rusting carcas of the former. It might even take it to the next level if the decepticons reproduce by injecting a robot maggot into an autobot and let it grow into a larva and once it hatches, it devours the autobot from the inside( i amaze myself with my ideas)

Ive heard a lot of people call the twins racist, but i think it defames more the character of the viewer than any black ganster type people. Makes me wonder what’s to come in transformers 3, stereotyped Asian transformers that are good at maths and standardised tests? These two definitely belong in the same category as Jar Jar Binx from the phantom menace, a tiresome and needless accessory to the story that doesn’t ever fulfil a purpose or make themselves useful, the best purpose for me would be to see them getting killed in the most hilariously satisfying way an autobot can be killed five minutes before the end.Had that been the case , i would have left the cinema feeling that the price of the admission was money well spent.

Most of all, these two hog up SOOO much screen time, time which would have been better spent with Ironhide and ratchet , whose roles were supplanted by these colossal idiots to minor characters. In what little time ironhide actually gets to show up, hes basically repeating lines from the first movie with perhaps one word replaced

Transformers one

Iron hide~ sam! Get to the building!

Transformers 2

Iron hide” sam! Get to the pillars!

Weak.

Besides the geographical inaccuracies of placing the pyramids by the ocean as well as try to imagine the carbon footprint of that massive explosion in the desert, the prime scene which encapsulates the movie is when the decepta-slut attacks the main characters in the library, in essence an effort to destroy knowledge itself ( hows that for reading to far into things). I don’t knw what college that is, but i wanna go there, ive never seen so many samey beautiful women in one dorm!

The robots themselves are so complex its hard to tell the damn ones apart except the deceptacons have sharp teeth . the optimus prime fight scene in the forest was really spectator but it kinda reveals that megatron isn’t that powerful if optimus can take on both him and all his goons at once. Id have megatron be powerful enough that it would take all the autobots and their dog to give him a splinter. Bumble bee is the most endearing character, i think people would have cared more if he had been the one killed and, as he has both the qualities of a formidable fighter and a loyal dog. Im always riveted when optimus transforms, not so much when the little Hump leg bot pops up, if hes inspired by wall-e , id imaginepixar would probably go around to shoot all their staff between the eyes to be even the slightest bit responsible for bringing this character to life in the most indirect way. By the way, after they go to the pyrimids, wheelie disappears inexplicably without a reason, but i wont begrudge the editor for that. I love the robot which is created by ball bearings that meld together and can be invisible when viewed by the side,not unlike most actresses. The scene where we meet fallen on the meteor suggest that micheal bay is paying homage to his other movies aka Armageddon. The people who worked on the special effects on the movie should be very proud, id be rpoud to have my name on this movie , as anything but the screenwriter of course

I reckon transformers 3 will be going in a much darker direction. This is inevitable in movie and book franchises these days , see the Harry potter, twilight, spiderman progression if you don’t believe me . In an effort to be taken more seriously and to prove its not just for kids, movies and books that do well start to go seriously bleak and kill crazy directions , i mean up to the 3^rd harry potter film ( which is my honest favourite) , after that all the magic, wonder and childlike innocence of the films it form the fourth one on turns into something from the landings of Normandy The bodycount at the end of the harry potter story would make even tarantino think he probably went a little overboard with the gratiutious death toll.

. There have been seven harry potter films, and every time one comes out ,in the build up leading to it i hear something along the lines “this will be a lot darker than the last one”. By the seventh movie i seriously expected to be staring up at a pitch black screen with only hermiones sultry soothing voice to let me know whats the dealio. Casting Helena bohman carter as belatrix is pretty obvious because any movie where we need a cooky off beat female ,shes your go-to gal ( Not to mention, it seems Tim burton couldn’t make a powerpoint presentation without including his lovely wifey or johny depp in it )

The sexualisation of twilight by the last novel sits perfectly well for me because by then she was so comically horny by Edwards clunge tease attitude to marital propriety over 4 books that I half expected her eventual sexual climax to instigate the second big bang . but the part where bella gives birth to renessme is described in such a way which sounds like it belongs to a script written by eli roth(if the name rings unfamiliar, hes the maker of hostel for all your fans of soccor, i refuse to call it football, if thats the case it should be feetball, you do use both ur feet right? What would i know about a game where you kick a sphere into a net and the whole world erupts in orgasmic glee?)

Spidermans approach to going dark was to make tobey Maguire muss up his hair and dance in the streets like a bell end , a scene where a perfectly timed lion decapitating him would never have ever been more appropriate. Lest we forget the beloved villain venom has only fifteen minutes of shoe horned screentime at the end presumably because he either picked the short straw or perhaps sand person slept with the sexless producer. Interesting enough i recall going to see spiderman one and they were actually turning little kids away even those that were being escorted by their parents! I was amazed that they were so ruthlessly adhering to the pg 10 age limit. This even made the local tv news, where a spokesperson for the cinema said that the film showed to quote his words” man on man violence” or rather he should have said man on man wearing a stupid green plastic mask violence”

To close this article , I expect transformers 3 to impress and to be as entertaining if not more than the other two. I think because unless they follow all the mistakes of the second one verbatim, by comparison it will seem like a diamond studded golden statue of Nelson Mandela when put next to the second one. Lastly some people debate whether upcoming The dark knight rises will possibly disappoint because how can it ever hope to top the dark knigfht, the supposed citizen kane of super hero movies, not to mention the wild praise of heath ledgers last performance which is well deserved but gets a little bit tainted when plebs tend to agree. Well first off A : theres not even a trailer yet so shut up, and 2: no it wont. Why? Because Have you seen this pic of Bane ? if it does disappoint then ill just say, haha sucks to be you.

Introduct-shun myself

So out of nowheresville, i decided to hop onto the bandwagon of writing a blog , something which by no accounts is a new thing as we are living in a digital world and i am a digital girl, but its new to me in that second hand car kind of way. But why would i bother putting my thoughts out there on the internet for all to see where thanks to anonymity, even a charming youtube video of newly born kittens whose eyes havnt opened yet will boast comments that eventually descend into sheer unbridled xenophobia and insinuations of prescribing to the gay sex lifestyle choice.

I suppose it could be possibly because in spite of my devilish handsomeness, once people start talking to me they eventually realise that my mouth is a magical portal where nothing but pop culture and video game humour springs forth into life, either that or perhaps what i say isn’t stimulating enough to stave off people eyes glazing over once i talk in the real world, as many of my ex girlfriends will attest to . Also unlike in the realm world, here i get to stand on my soapbox and gob off endlessly without fear of contradiction because im a card carrying preposterous hypocrite and proud of it.

I once saw a documentaey where some pretentious blowhard commented that all these personal websited like twitter, facebook, blogs etc was essentially just a digital form of masturbations, pure self indulgence and perpetuating an individualistic culture of ME ME ME.

Ill admit that these days people seem more invested in themselves than in others but luckily i was born in this era, i don’t know if id go along with living in a facist dictatorship where we all gotta stop for fifteen minutes a day and praise big brothers impressive moustache. The anology of blogs and personal websites being akin to masturbation works on another level because who else is gna do a website dedicated to you the common man in the street unless your a ditzy starlet and you have such a huge fanbase they put up your own personal website where you can receive all the ego stroking stalker letters you want.